Love lift us up where we belong
Clarity is important here. This is not a review of the book 50 Shades of Grey. I did not read the book nor do I plan on it. I am sure the book is better and please feel free to tell me how it is better, but do not expect me to want to read ‘Mommy Porn’. Also, be wary of spoilers.
Best way to experience this movie
Sex is a very personal thing. What a person is into in the bedroom isn’t always what others consider ‘normal’. Do what makes you happy and be open with your partner. This is normally where a person puts a totally ridiculous thing as a joke but I’m not going to do that because that would be trivializing what you are into. If you are into S&M, then find someone who is into too and be happy. No matter what you are into you can find a person into that if you look in the right place. Unless you want to find a person that is intelligent and also likes the movie 50 Shades of Grey. That just plain isn’t going to happen.
I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up in my freezer
I learned two things about how to get women, thanks to this movie. 1. Be Rich. 2. Be Attractive (possibly 3. Don’t be unattractive). As long as you meet these two criteria you can be as creepy as you want. Listed below are lines from the film. Think of these lines being said by someone attractive and then someone unattractive.
I exercise control on all things Ms. Steele
I enjoy various physical pursuits.
I am incapable of leaving you alone.
If you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.
Necrophilia is not my thing.
You are mine, all mine, understand?
I don’t do the girlfriend thing.
I would like to bite that lip.
I am rectifying the situation. (In relation to her virginity)
I don’t make love, I f%#k, hard.
Nothing screams sexy more than prayer
Everything had to be on the nose and too obvious. His name is Christian Grey and he has all gray stuff including ties. Her name is Anastasia Steele (steel is gray). He is a high-powered guy and he’s a dominant looking for a submissive. So he is a very important guy at his work and he has to be high-powered in his personal life. He doesn’t get emotional with his partners and he is very private. He won’t even sleep in the same bed as his partners so he doesn’t get too close. Of course, the plot here is that she is getting close to him whether he likes it or not. This is too obvious and a bit boring. At least mix it up with making him want her to be the dominant. For a movie about kink, this is just too vanilla.
The acting is ok. Don Johnson’s daughter is bad but she is far from great. If this was an action or CGI based flick the acting would be fine but this movie is focused solely on the characters and their development which makes it terrible. I don’t see any difference between this and the movies they aired on Skinemax in the 90’s. The Emmanuelle series had more character development.
The abs almost distract from the major serial killer face
The director was reaching for 9 and a half weeks and came up with 3 maybe 4, tops. The sex scenes were lackluster at best and the dialog was very forced and unnatural. Christian just felt too rapey. Everything he said had bad intentions behind it. I don’t know if women were supposed to find him sexy, creepy, dangerous, psychotic, or a combination of these. The actor was handsome enough to pull it off but this were Drew Carey, this would be a straight up horror movie.
You would think with that much money this room would be hidden behind a grandfather clock
50 Shades of Grey can be fixed with some minor tweaking. First and foremost, I would start the movie the same and even have the characters meet the same way but when it gets to the point of revealing what he is into we find out that it isn’t S&M but he likes dressing as animals. Yup. Let’s make Christian Grey a furry. If that were the plot and the movie took itself very serious then this would be ground breaking stuff. Most adults know what S&M is but being a furry is obscure. It is obscure enough to get people learning about another fetish on a mainstream level but also commonplace on Internet enough to where you can find information on it. You may be asking yourself “Tim are you serious? There is no way a movie about a furry can be taken seriously.” Think of it this way: Forty three years ago a movie about a black president starring James Earl Jones (The Man 1972) was considered far-fetched. I’m just saying 43 years from now, the next 50 Shades of Grey could be Harry and the Henderson’s erotica.
What is less than a single entendre?
As always I am Tim McDonald, your movie watching stunt double. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook to make suggestions or comments. I have a good-sized list of movies to review but I am always open to suggestions or requests.
