Welcome to the next installment of “What not to Watch”. I watch bad movies so you don’t have to. I warn you about some of the worst movies so you don’t mistakenly watch this filth on TV thinking it might be a hidden gem. I will also give my suggestion on how I would remake this film as to not be so unwatchable. Staying with the “Gift Series”, this movie was picked by my cousin Leslie. She loves older movies and absolutely hates 1941’s “Two Faced Woman” with Greta Garbo. This was Ms. Garbo’s last film. I’ll be honest, if I made this piece of garbage I would be hesitant about making anything else afterwards too. As always, if you have a movie you want me to watch or you think my remake idea is bad and you have a better idea, comment below. Thanks for reading.
Depression era mascot lion
I am not a huge fan of older movies as a rule, but I wouldn’t say I dislike them. I can get into some Spaghetti Westerns and classic musicals now and then but comedies are difficult to stand the test of time. What one generation finds funny, the next tends to find corny and played out. Even trying to look through the lens of something made in the early 40’s I can see why “Two Faced Woman” was a flop. The plot here essentially is he meets her, they are trapped and fall in love (off screen), they get married (off screen), and they decide how they want to not live with each other. They still want to be married to one another but not only see each other on weekends? Beats me, it’s the 40’s.
Next time we will get past page 3 of the Kama Sutra
Before “Two Faced Woman” Greta Garbo and Melvyn Douglas were in a “As You Desire Me” and “Ninotchka” similar to Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were in “Joe Versus the Volcano”, “Sleepless in Seattle” and the even worse “You’ve Got Mail”. The analogy doesn’t stop there, the first movie they were in together was great, followed by an OK one and ending in a non-Shakespearean tragedy of suck. The old adage “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it” applies. Just because two actors have good chemistry doesn’t mean the law of diminishing returns doesn’t apply.
A couple major things that are apparent here is the misogyny and blatant misunderstanding by the director of how physical comedy works. First off, the sexism: the leading man openly mocks her life as being unimportant and less meaningful than his because she’s a woman. At one point he tells her that he doesn’t love her. Just straight out says it and she takes that in stride and says she still loves him to someone else later. This is no different from the white-trash on Cops, just less violent. He openly lies to her and she’s OK with that. I understand it’s a different time but seriously, get some backbone lady. Then he tells her he loves her and she’s OK with everything again. What the freezing hell is happening here? This is like instructions on how to be mentally abusive.
Terrible Photoshop aside, he would be a fantastic Thor
That leads into my next point: The overall creepiness of the male lead. First he stares at her for an uncomfortable amount of time. Not soon after, he actually says to her after meeting her for 3 minutes: “This afternoon you instruct me, but tonight I’ll instruct you.” If I was a single man on a ski trip and said that to my ski instructor I would be considered creepy and a potential sex offender. I’m even overlooking the obvious S&M overtones here. If you are into that, fine, but you should at least gauge whether the person you are talking to is into that before being so overly aggressive and domineering.
Flogsta scream is far less effective while skiing
Physical comedy is very good in Romantic Comedies or Dramas because it relieves tension in a quick way that doesn’t take away from the story for very long. When used properly you get very memorable moments like Forrest Gump’s first bedtime encounter with Jenny. When it’s thrown in haphazardly in the beginning and very end it feels forced and monotonous.
Depression era mascot lion may be Michael J. Fox’s grandfather
So the plot plays out like this: They meet, get trapped in a cabin for a day or two due to an avalanche, and then they are married. I feel like they glossed over the most interesting part; having him go from creepy BDSM top to her falling in love with him. How did he Houdini that? I’m thinking some kind of Genie or deal with a demon scenario here.
Down to the real question here: How would you remake this movie? Since the whole being trapped with someone you hate and falling in love with them is a bit of a trope it may not be necessary. I imagine the main characters here falling for each other similar to the characters in “Can’t Hardly Wait” that were trapped in the bathroom. “I hated you because you hated me and now I understand you were only mean to me because you thought I was something that I wasn’t, this must be love.” Yikes. No wonder my generation has so many divorces if that’s what counts for love. I hate to break this to you but mutual respect for someone of the opposite sex does not equal love.
I hope she’s selling that racist lamp
My remake would keep the main plot points, two people meet, fall in love, and she pretends to be her twin sister to see if he really loves her. My version would end with finding out that the man is actually an alien in a human suit. He would impregnate her and in an attempt to create a human/alien hybrid person. This would tie into a miniseries that would restart V then I would sit back and count all my money.
