She’s always been daddy’s little jaw line
As a 90’s kid you ended up watching some pretty terrible TV shows, movies, and pseudo-sports. By pseudo-sports I mean American Gladiators, monster trucks on the now defunct TNN (The Nashville Network), and Pro-Wrestling. If you are in your 30’s and don’t know who Terry Gene Bollea is I have a lot of respect for you in that you were never bitten by the pro-wrestling bug that haunts some of my friends to this day. On the other hand if you don’t know who Hulk Hogan is you were likely from another country or living under a rock.
Maybe you were in one of those households that wouldn’t let you watch TV besides 700 Club, Kirk Cameron movies, or Fox News. Either way I feel bad for you and would like to share with you a wretched piece of Americana in the movie Ultimate Weapon with (at the time) ‘Hollywood’ Hulk Hogan. You likely know him from his reality shows, sex? tape, and daughter, Brooke Hogan. At this point if you don’t know who Hulk Hogan is you are actively trying not to.
Guile’s great great grandfather on TRT
Ultimate Weapon is every action movie cliche mixed together in the most obvious way. Hulk Hogan is Ben Cutter, a mercenary, who discovers that the team he is working with is actually a group of bad guys, he decides to put a stop to their plans. Furious with Cutter, the bad guys target him, his partner, and his family. This is basically the same plot from countless other action movies from the 80’s and 90’s.
The usual complaints apply here: bad acting, terrible story, and low production values. What is even worse is that this is not bad enough to be real entertaining. At least the burger you found with the cockroach in it makes an interesting story but when it’s just overcooked you are just sad and never tell anyone. It’s really sad when the other famous person in a movie is Ed Leslie AKA Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. They could have at least had a D-List celebrity to help like Flavor Flav or Judge Reinhold.
Hulkamania is running mild on him, he’ll come out of it when he regains consciousness
The action sequences are not only terrible, they are completely no-sold by Hogan. (The idea of ‘selling’ a move in pro-wrestling is making the move look like it hurts, so selling well would be making something that doesn’t hurt look excruciating. Basically acting.) Even when he was wrestling, Hogan was terrible at selling moves. In Ultimate Weapon he practically walks through people as they fall around him.
There’s a part of the movie where Hogan, looking like Lloyd Christmas and Chuck Norris’ love child, is at the strip club his daughter works at. He’s in there, finds her, and looks away… eventually. There is a weird lingering that he does that is so weird that they kept it in the movie. I understand she isn’t his real daughter and Hulk Hogan staring at an attractive female actress isn’t weird in the least. The problem I have, is that they kept his creepy Frankensteiny stare in the movie. Someone had to watch that scene and think “I think it’s fine that a man would stare at his daughter stripping for a solid minute, who wouldn’t?” It scares me to think that this guy helps make the movies I watch.
This Summer, Hulk Hogan is… not Chuck Norris
I could make a better movie with a GoPro, me, and my cats with better dialog and fight scenes. If was going to make a real movie based on Ultimate Weapon I wouldn’t. That money would be better used to buy masturbatory sleeves and lubricant for under-privileged divorcées living at their parents house on a steady diet of Beefaroni, Bartles and Jaymes, and Tinder rejections. There is no point to remake this movie since it was just a piss-poor remake of Commando anyway.
As always I am Tim McDonald, your movie watching stunt double. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook to make suggestions or comments. I have a good sized list of movies to review but I am always open to recommendations or requests.
