Ah, our childhoods- remember being a kid and thinking man it’s going to be awesome when I fly around on my hover skateboard and punch out robots in the future when I’m an adult. Then you actually become an adult and you realize it really sucks and things were so much better when you were a kid? Yeah dude, the 80-90’s were way better than now in so many gnarly ways.
Hop in everyone as DFAT takes you for a ride in the way back machine to remind you why life when you were younger was so much better. Here are 15 geeky things from our childhood that totally need to make a comeback:
15.) Pogo-Ball
Remember this child safety hazard? Essentially this was a dodgeball with a thick plastic ring around it that would in theory allow any child to use the said Pogo-ball as some sort of insane pogo-stick. Now its confession time, I never actually successfully used the Pogo-Ball, not one single time. Every time I tried to use the pogo ball I fell and cracked my head open on my hot ass drive way. I imagine I am not alone in this so I think it’s time I got another crack at the Pogo-ball; at least if I fail again I can collect disability.
14.) Trolls
I think after their star studded cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy Trolls may be coming back but dude Trolls, who didn’t have at least one f’n Troll? I distinctly remember stores with entire walls devoted to Trolls back in the day and I also remember the fact that no matter how hard you tried they just wouldn’t go away, it was one of those fads that just stuck. Then despite all of that- they did in fact die off like the dinosaurs, so what gives? I think it’s about time for Russ Trolls, Norfin Trolls, Treasure Trolls, Battle Trolls all to make a comeback because those dumb beanie babies have been around long enough.
13.) Malls
Yeah, yeah I know that malls are still around smarty pants, but guess what- they kind of suck now. Some 15 years ago malls started to go belly up pretty fast and now what we are left are sorry shells of their former selves. Remember the joy of roaming a mall and looking at the insane variety of crap you didn’t need at all? From the insane mall pretzel to whatever KB Toys had sitting in their 2 for 5$ bin, it’s all gone now replaced by way too many old navy stores and kids so dangerous that the malls have to employee private security. I know there are actual economic reasons the mall model of business doesn’t work like it used to, but my god are the old days missed.
12.) Arcades
Speaking off malls these were a staple of every mall no matter what size or shape, you could always guarantee there was an arcade somewhere ready for your hard earned quarters. Remember trying in vain to beat that gross ass sweat pants guy playing Mortal Kombat only to have him rip your head off? Remember the multitude of Konami multiplayer arcade games like the X-Men, Ninja Turtles and the Simpsons? Dear God remember the 25 dollars you wasted on ski-ball so you could get enough tickets to buy those foam nunchucks? Those my friends where good times.
11.) Unsolved Mysteries
Yeah I went there. Robert Stack, cases they just couldn’t crack, bad acting, and everyone’s favorite ghost episodes. There was something amazingly watchable about this show that I dearly miss. Whenever it was on I always watched, and it was always my hope to solve just one of the mysteries on the show. Just one man come one. I’m gonna find Jimmy Hoffa I swear.
10.) Slime
If there is one toy synonymous with the 80’s its slime. Why anyone would package and market viscous fake snot to children for the sole purpose of pissing off their parents is beyond me, but it worked. Every kid despite what their parents would have wanted managed to get their hands on some slime at some point, and every kid managed to ruin something, be it carpet, or their sister’s hair and in a weird way that’s what made it great. Let have a moment of silence for the undisputed king of slime, the Masters of the Universe Slime as used in Hordak’s Slime pit. That stuff was amazing.
9.) Nickelodeon Game Shows
In this age of reality game show garbage, it’s really easy to harken back to the good old days of Double Dare and Nick Arcade. Back in the early 90’s Nickelodeon was flush with awesome game shows that not only were challenging they were pretty great. Every day you could watch Nickelodeon torture poor kids as they tried to make their way through obstacle courses, solve riddles from a giant talking foam head, or even worse try and fail to beat video games that are considered hard even today. Marc Summers is still out there waiting for his time to return and destroy another generation of children.
8.) Late Night Horror Hosts
This might be too old for some but the 80’s were flush with eccentric personalities that would guide you through 2 hours of some sort of garbage Horror movie every Friday and Saturday night. In these days of instant entertainment and television rights it’s easy to understand how the classic tradition of some putz in zombie makeup hosting an obscure slasher flick might seem a bit old school, but there something great about a guy named Dr. Acula in clown makeup introducing you to an Italian horror movie you have never heard of before. They need to bring this back in the worst way.
7.) TGIF
I don’t know about you personally dear reader but I usually stayed home on Friday nights for one sad reason when I was a kid, ABC’s TGIF sitcoms. From 8-10 every Friday night I was glued to my television like a mental patient because I could not wait to see the antics of cousin Balky, Uncle Joey and his god awful beaver puppet, Original Gangsta Urkel, and that garbage with Patrick Duffy. Even to this day there is some sort of odd charm to that particular type of garbage television that you just can’t stop watching. Seriously I dare you to turn off one episode of Full House, that’s right you can’t! You can’t look away from every train wreck of a character on TGIF and that’s what made these shows great. I think it’s about time for a comeback don’t you? Have Mercy.
6.) Duck Tales
Disney used to have some kick ass cartoons, yeah there are still a few on now that are ok (Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls) but nothing holds a candle to the amazing output they had in the late 80’s and early 90’s with some awesome shows like Gummi Bears, Chip n’ Dale’s rescue rangers, Talespin, Darkwing Duck, Aladdin, Goof Troop and the most epic Ducktales! While I won’t waste your time explaining the show I will simply remind you how awesome the concept of swimming in a giant vat of gold coins is to you because of Ducktales. There is no conceivable reason in my mind why there hasn’t been a revival of Ducktales beyond the fact that it doesn’t fit our lazy animation standards lately. Make it happen Disney!
5.) Mystery Science Theater 3000:
Let me ask everyone a question. Is there a lack of bad movies that are readily available out there? Are there not literally dozens of channels on your Roku, Computer and digital cable devoted to cheap or free movies that usually suck? Have you ever even wondered where the fine art of laughing at garbage cinema even became popular? You’re on a blog that’s named after a Hitchhikers Guide quote so I don’t really need to poke you any further because this one is such a no brainer. This classic TV show that exists today in a much stripped down form (rifftrax) would thrive on Netflix, and the fact that they are regularly bringing back cult shows just makes this one so obvious it hurts. There are hundreds of movies that need to be riffed on sense MST3k closed shop years ago and the notion that maybe just maybe I could see them again in some shape or form warms my insides. ZAP ROWSDOWER LIVES!
4.) MTV
Remember when MTV was about more than teenagers getting pregnant and horrible reality game shows? Yeah I barley remember but I think there was a time some 20 odd years ago where these things called music videos were played 24 hours a day to entertain us and turn us onto new music. And more than that there was a channel willing to play some pretty risky product in the name of entertainment. If you want to know why the music business is dead look no further than MTV becoming skank TV don’t blame digital music. This is just sad to say and I wish it were not true, MTV stopped being cool a long time ago, that needs to change.
3.) Ecto-Cooler
Long ago there was a flavor of Hi-C juice so delicious that it somehow outlived everyone’s expectations and managed to stay on the shelves for an insane 21 years past the cartoon it was tied into. And despite the cult following it had, sometime in 2007 Ecto-Cooler or as it was now known “Crazy Citrus Cooler” vanished for good, much like our hopes for another Ghostbusters movie. Ecto-Cooler is a perfect example of a gimmicky 80’s product actually being really great when it had no right to be. Ecto-Cooler was snot green, it had Slimer as a mascot way past the point of being cool, and it had that horrible reputation of being sugar water but none of that mattered because the product was so good it overcame every short coming thrown at it. So what gives, why can’t Ecto-Cooler be a Halloween item like Count Chocula? Or marketed strictly to slightly crazy millennials? If I had these answers I would have a job as an enlightened despot, I suspect if and when we ever see another Ghostbusters movie we will see the return of Ecto-Cooler in the meantime there’s always green paint and your imagination.
2.) Cereal Box Prizes
As a child the cereal you ate was based on what prize was in the box and nothing else. If you stop and think about some of the crap cereal you at as a child because you got a Gizmo Duck figure you would be amazed. I gnawed through an entire box of f’n grape nuts to get some sort of god awful prize when I was a kid and that would lead you to wonder why exactly I mentioned these in my list. Because much like happy meals you were eating to get the toy not the nutrition, and in some odd way the prize tended to be pretty cool. Every week when I grocery shop my heart sinks a little when I see boxes advertising fiber content and not a wacky wall walker. Cereal is the one thing in my life I would love to stay irresponsible with, but for whatever reason a good B.M. is a better prize than a plastic submarine now.
1.) Actual Nintendo:
I have the courage to admit this, and so should you. Nintendo killed Nintendo when the Wii came out. Choosing to focus more on your grandparents pretending to bowl and teenagers have dance parties was the final nail in the coffin for Nintendo. I will go a step further and claim that the Gamecube wasn’t doing anyone any favors either. So what happened? Nintendo stopped playing along with game developers a long time ago to focus on some pretty crazy ideas that ultimately didn’t make video gaming a better place. Something as simple as a controller can go a long way in making a video game great and Nintendo lost that a long time ago. So what am I asking for? Just a return to the good old days of fun, addictive easy to play games that didn’t involve me bouncing around my living room like a moron or using a tablet for no reason. And games, actual games not just one or two here and there, options for every gamer that have been missing from Nintendo for a long time now. Hell I would even go back to blowing the dust out of cartridges if it meant having some good games to play with an actual controller.
